Somehow the day shifts back and forth from sunny to grey. I am feeling better but it has been a long time since I felt well. The uneasiness that accompanies indecision and disuse comes and goes. I realized today that stress is what we get as we become more successful. The more our lives reflect gain, the more we have to deal with, the greater our responsibilities.

The rain threatens the edge of the open door. Its touches the carpet gently and I wonder what should I do. Do I care if its wet inside? And if so why?

I have been thinking of the past, idle these recent days. Avoiding getting anything accomplished by simply drifting. I should be flying soon to places I am from but somehow it never happened. Weddings will be missed and days forgotten but maybe its for some reason.

I have tried to accomplish things this year – shows and festivals, films and words have all come from me and emptied myself into everything I have done. But nothing has returned. Maybe those things were never mine to begin with and as such they went away without bothering to return.

I am being who I am, which is more than many can say to themselves. But in doing so I have lacked security and faith. I am faithless now, more than ever, and if it were not for love I would have nothing.


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