Facing who we really are as people is something that almost no one does in their lives. To look into that mirror of self contemplation is often a painful and seemingly unbearable action. We stare blindly at ourselves, not aware of who we are so much as oblivious to any consideration of self.
I find it so difficult to let go of my attachment for my wife. Of the feelings of ownership (for lack of a better word) or possession of this singular person in my life. I want to be able to let go, if only to save myself from the demons that rake my soul when I am alone with my thoughts.
But in looking at who I am I have realized that the entire situation has been created through my actions. Beyond the tapestry of infidelities (on both sides), lies, misconceptions and confusion I see that somehow I am creating this entire situation in order to feed some necessary (or so my heart believes) function of creation. I am creating the suffering I must endure in order to have fodder for my own creative output. Only I am to blame for the endless pain and broken dreams.
But it all begs the question of why? Why do I create these situations? What causes my mind to do things I know will only hurt me and the people I love? How is it that I have come to believe so strongly (in fact so much so that I am almost unaware of it on a daily basis) that I need to suffer in order to create? And is it true that suffering is the food of creation?
Many of my friends in NYC have said that I should try to work things out with my wife. Most of my Chicago friends feel the same way. But how do we work something out with someone who doesn’t want to be involved? How can we begin to heal a wound that we ourselves have created?